Lonely in love
Why is it more often than not, one person is significantly more invested in their romantic relationship than the other party?
Why do most relationships seem so unbalanced? No matter what, it always seems like one person loves more than another.
Is there any relation with the saying, “don’t be too much available for someone because you may lose your value”.
You’d think in this kind of situation, where a relationship is one-sided, that pretty much everyone would immediately head for the hills, and run as fast as they would to the other direction. But obviously, a lot of people don’t.
So why do so many people stay with partners who are unreliable, not able to offer enough reassurance, or not 100 percent real?
Here are several things I gathered from my research;
There are lots of real, practical reasons why people feel they have to stay in one-sided relationships— family pressures and economic constraints, for example. That’s especially true if children are involved and you feel you don’t have any other good options.
Another reason why relationships are seemingly constructed by the one loving the other more is highly influenced by the societal structure and values one currently inhibits. The same values are colored by the medial and cultural influence, and for some, where money and financial success are revered highly than anything else, it is a no brainer that the “competitive” nature of existence also infiltrates the romantic relationships.
It also tends to occur when one party is too dependent on the other person for attention and validation.( — The same is true, by the way, for abusive relationships) . So whoever has less to lose in this case has more power. My advice — seek your validation from other sources.
Plenty of ‘unbalanced’ relationships, aren’t really based on love, is another observation. Majority of people confuse infatuation and sexual attraction with love. We start dating, we check our compatibility with the other person and see if the person is the right one to fulfill our needs and desires. When we start a relationship, we already have some picture of what we want from the relationship. We also have some expectations from the other person - we know much better what we want to get out of the relationship than what we want to bring into the relationship and give to our partner. We have a ‘role’ for our partner he/she has to play. And as long as the partner plays the role the way we want it, all is good.
Now, the incompatibility happens when two people with different imagination about the relationship but very strong sexual attraction come together. They will try to satisfy the other person needs and desires to ‘get them’ or to ‘keep them’ and to be in a relationship with them, but it only leads to frustration.
Another suggested that it’s because when you take two people in a relationship, there’s always the one who doesn’t feel good enough for the other!
This causes them to hold back, to stay aloof and careless, because he/she is afraid the other person will or can leave.
People who are 100% invested hang in there and rebalance the relationship, was also another suggestion.
And then there was the endless you can’t measure or quantify love, and that love is only real when you love unconditionally without expecting anything in return. Okay, I get it, but sometimes the actions speak for themselves. The effort each partner puts into the betterment of the relationship actually counts. So tbh that only sounds a little manipulative to me. I personally want to love and be loved. So this suggestion could only lead to frustration on one party.
This reminds me of a quote I recently came across ;
I’m aware that no one can give 100% at all times. It is not humanly possible. It is exhausting and unreal. It’s unhealthy. Sometimes you will need me more than I need you; at other times I will need your strength and courage as I stumble and falter. And you’d need to be exactly the same people to love each other in exactly the same ways. It would be a rare couple, indeed, where both people loved equally and wanted the other equally over a long period of time. Sometimes the differences between the couple are inconsequential; other times significant. A good relationship is not made of equals but of partners.
Therefore, in relationships, you give what you have. But my point here is, it should not be on one party to do all the work all the time.
I think some people are capable of an incredible amount of love, so much so that others feel daunted. But even the most insignificant act of love should not be dismissed because it might be that it took every amount of strength from the person preforming that act.
But the facts remain, Most often than not the neediest person is the most vested. In a true love relationship there is zero need, all there is is wanting betterment for the other with zero return expectation - no quid pro quo deal.
The key to a successful relationship is to pair up with someone who gives as much as you be it that you both give a little or you both give a lot. To pair yourself up with someone who gives less than you in hopes that your overwhelming feats of devotion will change them and make them more giving is to doom yourself to disappointment, frustration and heartache.
The saddest part of it all is that you can’t blame them. They love according to their ability just like you and you’ll never get back what you put into it.
I think that love is ridiculously complex. It is seriously so much more complicated than it’s supposed to be. In order for love to be balanced completely, both people need to be ready to give themselves fully, both trust each other without question, be capable of feeling on the same level, and put the same value on love and relationships.
If one of these things differs between two people, then a love imbalance occurs.
My point is that we are all different and the dynamics of any relationship will always vary. Some of us are capable of a lot, some of us a little and it’s not easy because we humans are very good at giving advice but never know how to implement or use it.
There is simply only one way to tell if two people are equally in love. That is if they stay together. You simply can’t keep score any other way.
