One cannot be filled with galaxies and not expect explosions.
I broke his heart, again. I didn’t mean to. I promise. Sometimes you give love a chance and end up either getting hurt or hurting someone else. And that sucks. It really does.
But it’s really something else when there’s no easier option to choose from. Especially when you can’t have both. To love or be loved. To want them or to want them to be happy. Diffrenciating between loving someone and being in love with them.
Then it gets selfish when you like how they make you feel, and not necessarily who they are. When being with them would mean changing who they are.
It’s crazy.
It’s crazy because he is the most amazing person. The most perfect guy. But I couldn’t help but feel that I could never be what he truly deserves.
I don’t know if I can be that for him. I think that, he’s an amazing person but that doesn’t mean that he’s amazing for me.
I think the reason why I mostly held on is because I have never met someone who is so sure about me.
Who is genuinely head over heels.
I felt it in my bones. That was beautiful. I can’t ever say I haven’t been loved. And wanted. And shown just how much I deserve for simply existing.
Anyway, maybe I was just lonely. Or bored. Or both. But I now live with the lesson that you don’t get to go back just because it’s convenient for you. That even though he brought some color, I can do that on my own.
And if you ever come across this,
I realize now that I’m someone you need to stay away from. I realize that I am more like a fire, you want to get close but I keep burning you. I am your destruction and I hate that.
One cannot be filled with galaxies and not expect explosions from them. This same mind you loved me for is the same one that had you gone.
Whatever you’re looking for, you will not find it with me and whatever I’m looking for, I will not find it with you. No amount of loving me would have made me love you back.
Then comes the aftermath of learning how to live with one’s actions. Separating a horrible act from being a horrible person, isn’t at all easy. I’ve been reminding myself that it doesn’t matter how many people I dissapont as long as I don’t dissapont myself.
In the end, I think I did the best. For the both of us. Everyone deserves someone who loves them entirely for just being them.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way — giving love a chance.Even though I almost lost myself in the process, love is still the most beautiful feeling. To love and be loved back.
I suppose Halsey was right; We’re all just strangers with the same damn hunger to be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all.
aj.
